


"A Fantastic Idea"

by LovelyZelda



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyZelda/pseuds/LovelyZelda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/485.html?thread=246245#t246245">this prompt</a> at <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/"><b>st_tos_kink</b></a>:</p><p><i>I want a good old K/S/Mc threesome, please. There have been a lot of requests for this, but not so many fills, so: pretty please? I would absofuckinglutely love a fic where Kirk and McCoy, maybe coming drunkenly back from shore leave, convince Spock of the logic of this. By, er, removing his clothes. Pre-existing K/S relationship optional. :D</i></p><p>Hard R, everything listed above (except I'm not entirely sure about the existing K/S.  Spock and McCoy seem to think there is, and I guess they should know).</p>
            </blockquote>





	"A Fantastic Idea"

"Bones, I've just gotten a fantastic idea," Kirk said as he refilled their glasses.

"In case you've forgotten, those lovely dancers sweat a neurotoxin that's very effective on humans," said McCoy. "A few moments of pleasure aren't worth three days of paralysis and mild hallucinations."

"I'm well aware of the disadvantages to Polluxian strippers," said Kirk.

"I know you are," said McCoy. He smiled over his drink. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have found out about that toxic sweat."

Kirk leaned across their small table. "Do you have any idea what we're drinking?"

"I know it's fermented."

"Then I can't rule out hallucinations." Kirk nibbled McCoy's earlobe, then said, "Now, my idea is--"

"Jim, we're on shore leave. All your ideas for shore leave involve getting drunk and getting laid."

Kirk squeezed his thigh. "Do you think Spock seems tense?"

"I don't know how you'd be able to tell."

"You did say you'd like him better if he relaxed a little."

"I did not."

"You did." Kirk pressed his thumb against McCoy's lips--"You did"--and slowly traced his lower lip. "And I think Spock should relax. So you two can get along, and I can go back to being a starship captain instead of a referee."

"Jim--"

Kirk cupped his face in his hands and kissed him. "I think...another round. Maybe something we've actually heard of--and then we should go back to the ship."

"Jim--"

"Bones, it's obviously a two man job," said Kirk.

"Maybe this is something you should sleep on, Jim."

Kirk grinned. "You know, sometimes I think you're just as bad as Spock."

"And I told you that wouldn't work a second time. For Christ's sake, half the bridge crew's here."

"Have another drink."

"Well, I would, but you're making that rather difficult at the moment."

"Bones," Kirk started to kiss his neck, "I think you should keep drinking until you understand what a great idea this is."

"Or we could just stay here."

"We could...but there is...half the bridge crew, you said?"

"I know I saw Sulu." McCoy tilted his head and caught the table before it fell. "I can't tell if that's Scotty and Chekhov."

"And if we stay here, where does that leave poor Spock?"

"'Poor Spock' is probably doing a very sedate jig that we're out of his hair for the next few hours."

When McCoy stood up, Kirk and their table nearly fell over. "Where are you going?"

"Next round," said McCoy. "Try to behave yourself while I'm gone."

"And if I'm a good boy?"

"Well, now," McCoy bounced on the balls of his feet, "if you stay out of trouble, I'll let you sit on my lap and tell me more about this plan of yours."

"And what if I'm a very good boy?"

McCoy sighed. "Jim, don't push it."

***

Spock did not understand the human desire to "rest" by engaging in vigorous activity and, as he had reminded the captain several hours earlier, he had no interest in trying to understand it.

Given that they were both on shore leave and Spock's prior knowledge of their behavior patterns, he had not expected to see either the _Enterprise_'s captain or her CMO for another twelve hours. He would have considered seeing both of them at his door before that point in time to be impossible if not for the fact that they were there.

Based on their posture and expressions, Spock speculated that they were attempting to appear sober. The effect was somewhat marred by the strong smell of alcohol and the bottle in Kirk's hand.

"Is everything all right, captain?" asked Spock.

"I don't think you should call me that right now, Spock," said Kirk. He handed the bottle to McCoy and stumbled into Spock's quarters. "I don't think it's appropriate."

Spock glanced at McCoy. The doctor shrugged slightly. There was a small chance McCoy was unimpaired.

"Do you know why I think that, Spock?" Kirk asked as he put his hands on Spock's shoulders.

"I am not certain, Jim," said Spock. "I do know that, while off duty, you often do not wish to be referred to by your title."

Kirk smiled at him in a way that humans tended to find overwhelmingly charming, but that naturally had no effect on Spock. "Spock, would you like some...Bones, what the hell are we drinking?"

McCoy held up the bottle and looked at the label. "Something Scotty had," he said. "So it could be anything from scotch to paint thinner."

"Spock, would you like some--"

"No, thank you, Jim," said Spock. "I would prefer not to ingest unknown substances."

"Very logical," said McCoy.

"Yes, doctor, I wonder when your species will lose its interest in potentially hazardous intoxicants."

"What were we talking about?" asked Kirk.

"You were asking if I knew why you did not wish to be referred to as 'captain'," said Spock.

"Ah, yes. Spock. Spock, I think..."

Spock noticed that Kirk's collar was torn. He could see an odd, purplish mark underneath. Either the two had been involved in a fight, or...he looked up and met McCoy's eyes. The doctor winked at him, confirming the other possibility.

"I think I should just show you, Spock," said Kirk and kissed him in the human way. He seemed to be using his tongue more than usual.

Behind him, McCoy wrapped his arms around Spock's waist and breathed in his ear, "Jim thinks you need to get laid, darlin." The heavier accent and the use of a term of endearment were convincing evidence that Dr. McCoy was quite intoxicated.

And that he had made such a statement while Spock was unable to refute it was proof that, even in an altered state, the doctor was pathologically irritating.

"Jim thinks maybe we should just fuck the son of a bitch out of you." McCoy slowly licked the tip of Spock's ear--an unsurprising choice given his obvious fascination with Vulcan anatomy. It did produce a not unpleasant sensation. "Now, I think that sounds pretty god damned illogical, but I'm willing to give it a try if you are, darlin." He licked the outer edge of Spock's ear and then added in a lower voce--one that Kirk had little chance of hearing--"Or maybe the two of us should see what we can do with Jim." An intriguing possibility.

"Bones, what in god's name are you going on about?" asked Kirk.

"Gentlemen, I am aware that drunken fornication is quite popular among your species," said Spock. He managed to remove McCoy's hands from his body, but ultimately suceeded only in moving them onto Jim. "It is perhaps your oldest tradition." Spock was quite pleased with his composure as Kirk--who, like McCoy, was already erect--suddenly pressed himself even closer.

"God _damn_, Jim, you've got a nice ass."

"Oh, is that you, Bones?"

"I, however, am not intoxicated," said Spock.

Kirk bit back a moan as his hips bucked again. "Who the hell did you think it was?" asked McCoy.

"And I have no intention of becoming intoxicated," said Spock.

"I didn't mean stop," said Kirk.

"Ethically speaking, it would be inappropriate for me to take advantage of either of you in your current conditions," said Spock as Kirk and McCoy kissed each other over his right shoulder. It was unfortunate that his view was not better as Kirk and McCoy only engaged in such displays of friendship while drinking, at least as far as Spock knew.

Both of them seemed to be trying to unfasten his pants. He was able to dissuade them, but they each took one of his hands.

As Kirk slowly massaged his palm with just the right amount of pressure, Spock came to the conclusion that it would be impossible to reason with either one of them. The most logical course of action--as McCoy's fingers twined with his and Kirk pulled away from McCoy to bring Spock's hand to his mouth--the only logical thing to do would be to simply go along with their strange human activities until they passed out.

Spock had no wish to cause his friends harm or embarassment, so he would simply have to allow Kirk to slowly lick the underside of each of his fingers while McCoy squeezed his other hand and sucked on his neck. In the spirit of diplomacy, Spock did not even point out that McCoy's efforts would have been much more appreciated by a human. (Kirk, for example, had always favored such contact, while Spock could only find it somewhat pleasing.)

They both gripped opposite sides of Spock's shirt collar in what he assumed was part of another illogical human custom. He saw Kirk nod, and then they pulled, literally ripping Spock's shirt off.

"How exactly will I explain this?" asked Spock.

"Don't," Kirk said around his thumb. "Laundry never asks."

The humans shifted position, running their free hands over Spock's chest as they moved. And then McCoy was in front of him, kissing him. He felt rather than saw McCoy's arm reach for Kirk. Spock felt him move again, and Kirk moaned.

"You know he was a screamer?" McCoy asked, still close enough that their lips were almost touching.

"I am unfamiliar with the term," said Spock.

"With the _term._" Spock felt McCoy move again.

"Oh, god, Bones..."

"But I bet you already knew."

Spock considered the term as McCoy kissed him again, more forcefully this time. It did not seem to be an entirely accurate word as the sounds Kirk made and continued to make did not particularly resemble screams.

Kirk removed Spock's fingers from his mouth. Spock had hoped the small noise he may have made would have gone unnoticed, but both humans seemed quite pleased by his lapse. McCoy made a similar sound while Kirk embraced them both and sighed Spock's name in his ear.

Spock tried to remember that their enjoyment was not malicious.

With both of them touching him at the same time, he could not distinguish between their emotions any more than he could tell which one of them was currently trying to remove the rest of his uniform. (Although he could rule out McCoy's left hand as it was still squeezing Spock's hand)

One of them would kiss him and then it would be the other one. Spock could probably have distinguished between them, but there seemed to be little point. He felt vaguely frustrated when they would stop to kiss each other before one of them would return to him, and then he felt annoyed with himself for being frustrated.

It was, after all, only a bizarre habit of amorous humans, and one that Spock indulged out of politeness.

"Spock, Bones." Kirk nodded towards the bed.

"I thought you weren't giving orders right now," said McCoy.

"Bones, please, I'm too drunk for this," said Kirk. He stepped back, and Spock could see that, at some point, his pants had been unzipped. "Next time." He pulled his shirt off and tossed it behind him.

Spock raised an eyebrow. Before he could question the use of that particular expression, McCoy pulled him towards the bed by his waistband. "We're in Spock's quarters."

"Are we?" Kirk sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his boots off.

"You too drunk to use your mouth, Jim boy?"

Kirk leaned back on his elbows. "I'm too drunk to figure out the schematics."

"Then I think we may need to take you to sick bay, Jim boy. You see, it's really very simple--"

"I mean I want both of you," said Kirk. "And I can't figure out--"

Still completely dressed, McCoy climbed on top of him. "Fascinating," said Spock as he watched them kiss and grind against each other.

"This...this is exactly what I'm talking about," said Kirk. "Where's Spock?"

"Here, Jim," said Spock.

"You should be over here."

"Giving orders again," said McCoy.

"Bones, are you still in uniform? Spock--"

McCoy pushed himself up with his hands, but his hips kept moving. "Jim, if Spock just wants to watch--"

"That doesn't work, Bones. After all, it's his bed."

"I am quite entertained, Jim," said Spock. "For such a promiscuous species, you can be quite private, and I have few opportunities to observe this type of human behavior."

Kirk sat up, forcing McCoy to roll off him and onto the bed. "Well, I don't want Spock to just watch." He pulled off McCoy's shirt and kissed the doctor's shoulder. "Do you?"

McCoy rolled his eyes. He held up his hand, palm out.

"Bones?"

"Mmm?"

"You agree with me."

"About what?" For some reason he smiled as Spock pressed their palms together even though he thought nothing of casual hand to hand contact.

"About..." Kirk looked up and beamed at Spock. "Good. Now we just need to deal with the fact that you two are still overdressed."

McCoy stretched a leg across Kirk's lap. "I can't do this one handed," he said.

"This is why I have to keep giving orders," said Kirk as he took off McCoy's boots. "It's the only way anything gets done around here."

Spock looked at their hands. "Doctor, I do not believe there is a way around this."

"No, probably not." McCoy stood up to remove the rest of his clothing. "Sorry, Spock."

Although speed would be appreciated, Spock had also learned that humans sometimes preferred their sexual partners to slowly remove their clothing. He watched Kirk and McCoy watch him undress. McCoy slid his hand up and down Kirk's thigh and whispered in his ear, probably aware that Spock would be able to hear most of it.

"...going to plan ahead so Spock and I can take turns with you, Jim Boy."

"Who'd go first?" asked Kirk.

"I think I would," said McCoy, dropping the pretense that he wanted to keep this conversation from Spock. "Of course he'll just say the opposite, so I guess you'd get to suck me off while Spock took his turn. Unless you'd want us to fight over you?"

"No," said Kirk as he moved to the center of the bed. "Anyone else, and I would find it incredibly erotic, but I know you two." He grabbed their wrists and pulled them both towards him. "You two would be more interested in the fight than in me."

"Doubtful, captain," said Spock.

"I know you like to pretend you can't stand to be in the same room together," said Kirk, "but--"

"Jim boy, it's still shore leave," said McCoy. "You can be maudlin drunk next time we're stuck out in the middle of space with no hope of getting off this ship for the next few weeks."

Spock reached for Kirk and began to stroke him. Given the captain's potential change in mood, the doctor would not mind--in fact, his response was to wrap his hand around Spock's erection.

He was somewhat relieved that the focus had shifted and that he and McCoy were now kissing Jim wherever they could comfortably reach. Spock's hands were far more sensitive than a human's, and it would have been impossible for him to maintain his composure with any additional stimulation.

Part of him knew that Kirk and McCoy would not think any less of him--all of them had been exposed to factors that broke down emotional control on far too many occassions--and there was little chance he would become as vocal as Kirk from anything less than a mind meld. At the same time, neither one of them understood what it was like to be Vulcan.

He could hear them talking at each other and possibly him--it was difficult to tell, and even they may not have been certain. Every so often Kirk and McCoy would kiss, but for shorter and shorter amounts of time, and McCoy's hand would tighten around Spock.

The humans touched foreheads, a gesture that Spock had often seen but did not entirely understand the purpose of, and Kirk came with a moan that may have been one of their names.

"Come on, darlin," said McCoy. "Just a little bit more."

Spock was able to time his own orgasm for shortly after McCoy's, something the doctor would probably not have approved of and which Spock considered mentioning. As an advantage of the Vulcan method of self control, of course.

They cleaned up and returned to Spock's bed, Kirk in the middle.

"I thought it was customary to remain for the duration of the evening," said Spock.

Kirk grinned. "Spock, are you asking us to spend the night?"

"I merely wish to understand human sexual etiquette," said Spock.

"Well, we certainly don't want any misunderstandings. Bones?"

"I'm too damn tired to go anywhere else."

"I'm sorry you were unable to test your theory, doctor," said Spock.

McCoy shifted so they were facing each other. "The hell are you talking about?"

"I believe the question was raised as to whether or not it would be possible to 'fuck the son of a bitch' out of someone," said Spock.

McCoy licked his lips. "Obviously it's not."

"From my understanding of your vernacular, no 'fucking' actually occurred. Is that correct?"

"That's correct."

"Which would mean we still need to test Jim's hypothesis."

"Now, Spock, any good scientist knows you can't just test a hypothesis once."

"Doctor, I am well aware of proper scientific procedure."

McCoy gave him a hungry look, then sighed and said, "Spock, I'm very tired. And I think Jim's trying to kill us with his mind right now."

"I don't care," Kirk mumbled into Spock's shoulder. "But if this turns into an argument, I'm comandeering the bed and throwing you both into the hall."

"What if he starts it?"

Kirk opened one eye. "Bones."

"Good night, Jim."

"Good night, Bones."

They smiled at each other and, if he were capable of such things, Spock might have envied their openness.

"As for you," McCoy reached over Kirk to touch Spock's arm, "don't stay up all night thinking. Even Vulcans need their beauty sleep."

"Beauty sleep," said Spock.

"Forget it." McCoy curled up against Kirk's back. He slid one arm under Kirk's, holding them together. "Jim."

"Nnn."

"I don't want to hear anything about you feeling lonely."

Spock thought it was a strange thing to say. He tried to figure out what exactly it was supposed to mean as Kirk and McCoy's breathing became slow and regular.

***

Spock woke up to find that Kirk had taken all of the bedcovers and most of the bed, something he was able to achieve only because McCoy was gone.

At some point the doctor had acquired a tray of hot beverages and moved to Spock's sitting area.

"Are you well, doctor?" asked Spock. He could not remember the illogical English word for alcohol withdrawal.

McCoy nodded. "Rehydration shot and some good old fashioned Earth know-how," he said. "Stings like hell though, so I thought I'd let Jim sleep." He held out a cup. "Tea?"

"Potentially unsubtle, doctor," said Spock as he took it.

"We bring things back for the medical team all the time," said McCoy. "And I think M'Benga picked up a taste for that stuff when he was on Vulcan." He leaned back in his chair and smiled at Spock. "I think he's quite taken with you. You seem to have a strange effect on my medical team."

"Does that include you, doctor?"

McCoy looked away briefly, then held Spock's gaze again. "Look, I hope it's all right that...well, that Jim and I came back here and bothered you last night. I know you and I are..." McCoy cleared his throat and stared into his coffee. "Well, actually, I don't have a god damn clue."

"Doctor, your species suffers from both a need to overcategorize and to apologize for imagined offenses."

"Yes, well, thank you for reminding me not to bother," McCoy muttered.

"There is no need to bother," said Spock. He was careful not to use the term "waste of time" as that tended to encourage irrational behavior in McCoy. "You and the captain are sufficiently expressive."

"Which is probably Vulcan for overly expressive."

"We cannot help what we are," said Spock. "If I could not accept the limitations of humans, it would not have been a logical choice to join Starfleet."

He waited for McCoy to complain about his phrasing or press him for more than he could give, but the doctor just said, "Thank you, Spock. You probably do much better than I would on Vulcan."

"Doctor, you would singlehandedly destroy peaceable relations between our species."

"Now that would be something to tell my grandchildren," said McCoy. "I doubt it though. I can barely get under your half-human skin."

"And yet you insist on trying."

"Now, where I come from, Spock, when you fall off the horse, you get right back on." He stood up. "Back to bed. If Jim's getting jealous of you and me, it's not a good morning for him to wake up alone."

"I assumed that was an effect of the alcohol," said Spock.

"You know how he gets," said McCoy. He smiled and patted one of his pockets. "And I may have picked up a little something so we can test that theory."

Spock followed, waiting just outside the sleeping area as McCoy lay down beside Kirk. "Get your green blooded ass over here," said McCoy. "I want you to see something."

Spock watched McCoy lean over the sleeping captain and kiss his slightly slack mouth.

It was strange--most humans seemed to find it abhorrant to engage in intimate contact with an unresponsive being, although there were obviously some exceptions to this rule.

Kirk began to respond before he seemed to wake up. "Carol?" he murmured.

"Leonard," said McCoy.

"Who?"

"Dammit, Jim."

"Oh, Bones. Where the hell are we?"

"Last night you came down with a very severe case of logic fever," said McCoy.

Kirk sighed. "Bones, you sound quite pleased with yourself, so I'm going to assume you're not hungover just to spite me."

"I've got just the thing for you, Jim boy, but it's going to sting a bit."

"Which is old country doctor for 'it's going to hurt like--'" Kirk yelped as McCoy gave him the rehydration shot in the back of the neck.

"There, now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Yes, it was." Kirk sat up and rubbed his temples. "When you say logic fever..."

"Good morning, captain," said Spock.

"Is there anything you do remember, Jim?" asked McCoy.

"Right now I can very clearly remember that I'm not twenty-five anymore and that I shouldn't try to drink like I still am."

"It'll kick in soon," said McCoy. "There's coffee."

"You really are an exceptional doctor, Bones." He turned to Spock. "Spock, I hope we weren't too much trouble last night."

"No trouble at all, captain," said Spock. "I frequently find you to be pleasant company."

McCoy slipped something under the pillow and stood up. "Think maybe I'll--"

"No," said Kirk, who'd reached the other cup of coffee. "I need treatment. Or, if this miracle cure of yours doesn't work, I'll need you to euthanize me."

McCoy looked at Spock as he said, "I don't want to overstay my welcome."

"You seem to have acquired a patient, doctor," said Spock. "And we do have an experiment to conduct."

"Yes, I suppose we do," said McCoy.

"What?" asked Kirk.

"Drink your coffee, Jim," said McCoy.

"Yes, captain, I suggest you save your strength," said Spock.


End file.
